My eyes were shut tight, my teeth clenched, my body stiff, my heart racing. I forced myself as far into the corner as possible, screwing myself into a trembling ball. I was hot and sweating with fear, and I had nowhere to hide. I was cornered, and I knew hiding under my desk would not save me.
I could do was hope. 9 out of 10 times that hope came through, but it didn’t feel like it was going to this time. I listened as the footsteps climbed the stairs towards my room. I tried to will them with my mind to turn right and not left. I knew this was useless but I tried anyway. What did I have to lose from trying?
My ears were stretching to hear even though I had covered them. Then I heard a distant knock. I heard my brother’s door open, and then my father’s words : “Phone call for you”
As soon as I realised it was not for me, a calmness flowed through me. I pulled myself from under the desk, took a deep breath and looked into the mirror.
I shook my head.
And I told myself this had to stop. My social paranoia was becoming extreme. I had to sort it out.
It was ridiculous. I knew it would just be one of my friends calling me to play computer games or something. Why was I so afraid of these situations; why did I have these panic attacks?
At that point, I didn’t really know the reasons; but I was aware of one thing. If I didn’t get it under control, if I didn’t fight through that fear, it would hold me back for the rest of my life.
I knew very well that I couldn’t trust myself to face my fear in the short term, so I committed to taking on challenges down the line. I decided to go to college and make new friends rather than stay at school, I took a job in a shop which would involve dealing with strangers, I decided to go to university where I knew I would be stretched socially, I decided to join a drama group and eventually took on the roll of running the group, and I decided to direct a film which would force me to become a leader. I made these decisions, and I forced myself to meet these challenges.
10 years have passed since I used to hide under the desk out of fear of the phone. I’ve come a long way. Without fear I’ve now stood in front of a crowd a hundred strong with enough confidence to make them laugh.
I’ve faced my fears, and step by step I’ve become stronger.
However, reading a post over at Creating Passionate Users I was reminded I still have some distance left to travel. Most of all I still fear going out on my own and starting conversations with strangers – the small talk thing I just cannot do.
Which is why I’m planning (when I have the funds together) to go on a journey around the world to challenge my remaining fears and build my confidence strong. It will be the final stage of a decade long fight with my social fear.
Thankfully I was not prepared to sit back and let my weaknesses control me.
